


Amputate The Loneliness (PAUSED)

by disenchantedkobrakid



Series: Tangled In The Great Escape [3]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: 1950s, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Friends to Lovers, Fucking, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LGBTQ Themes, Las Vegas, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Oral Sex, Overthinking, Period-Typical Homophobia, Psychological Drama, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:01:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23184448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disenchantedkobrakid/pseuds/disenchantedkobrakid
Summary: Ryan and Dallon are now living together and maybe that changes everything.
Relationships: Meagan Camper/Pete Wentz, Ryan Ross/Dallon Weekes, Sarah Orzechowski/Brendon Urie
Series: Tangled In The Great Escape [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625095
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	1. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone who has found this story,  
> this is the inofficial second part of "Cupid's Chokehold" and let me tell you that I've never planned for things to go like this - it's madness.  
> I also haven't planned to actually upload this so soon but here I am, not being able to stay away from doing it.  
> Since I'm not finished with this story yet, it may be possible that I'll add/edit tags so please look at them before you start reading a chapter.  
> I'm so grateful for everyone who's reading my stuff but I'm most grateful for Jackie who's constantly giving me feedback and who's simply the best. So that's why this work is dedicated to you, my girl. I love you! I hope that everyone's safe and healthy in this mad time. See you soon for a next chapter!  
> PS: I don't know yet how often I'll post a new chapter. Also, this won't be a really long story, just a few chapters, but I hope you'll like it still.

When I woke up to the sound of someone – probably Dallon and Spencer – talking, it was still weird. It was weird daily waking up in another place after having woken up in the same house for years. Now the latter would soon be sold along with all the memories Z, Lizzy and I had made there. Just like that our life there would be erased.  
There were moments where I regretted having filed for divorce and having left Z but then I tried to tell myself that it really had been the best decision for all of us. Z was trying to get over me as well as I was trying to get over Brendon and when I imagined seeing the latter on a daily basis I certainly would freak out.   
It had been the best decision for all of us but it also felt like the worst. I felt like I had failed in life because everything I had had so far had been turned upside down. Suddenly Dallon entered the room, wearing only boxers and a shirt which I had already gotten used to. I had moved into his apartment two weeks ago, had started working at the nightclub again a little bit earlier and it was weird that those things collided.  
The nightclub was something that had happened before Brendon. Well, I had met him there and we had seen each other there several times but the places I really connected with Brendon were different ones. Dallon though was someone who was involved with Brendon but still, I didn’t feel bad around him. It was rather the complete opposite.  
“Sorry for waking you up. Will is having some problems again. You know how he is then.” Dallon eventually explained, grabbing a shirt of mine that was laying on the floor and carefully placing it over the back of the chair which made me grin. No, I definitely didn’t feel like I was still living at home with parents I never had had. How would one get that idea?   
I finally nodded and Dallon shrugged, leaving the room. I needed a moment to realize that Will wasn’t even there and that they had just been talking over the phone which was something Dallon loved to do with several people. I for my part had always preferred meeting people in person when that was possible. And it definitely was in Dallon’s and Will’s case considering that the latter lived less than one mile away.  
William Beckett had somehow popped into all of our lives a few months ago. After Dallon and I had met him on that evening that I hated thinking about for other reasons he had suddenly become a part of our group which at this point was split since I avoided talking to Brendon but Spencer still did which I didn’t blame him for.  
We had immediately realized that the other guy was a pretty private person, at least when it was about his family but then, one day, he had broken the silence and he had told us what was going on, leaving even me speechless because Will’s situation was even more fucked up than mine had been.  
I couldn’t say that it still was because I hadn’t talked to my producer as I tended to call him these days in years and I didn’t intend to do so. Hell, I didn’t even know if he was still alive and if I had to be honest, that was something that interested me.  
Yes, I certainly wanted to know if that old man was croaking in that house along with that woman or if something had already brought him to hell. Maybe I even liked the thought of him slowly dying of some disease because that was what he certainly deserved.   
I quickly shook my head, wondering why I was even thinking about things I had long ago buried. And then Dallon was standing right in front of me, wearing that unidentifiable expression and I instantly came back to the present time. There were moments – like with most people – where I was able to practically read them like a book but then there were moments where I had no idea what was going on in the other person’s had – and that was the case with Dallon in that moment.  
“Again, I’m sorry for having woken you up. I know that you could’ve slept for another couple of hours…” Dallon started again but I vehemently shook my head. “Stop it, Dal, everything’s fine. I would’ve gotten up soon anways since there’s stuff I got to do.” I lied. There wasn’t any stuff I needed to do and if nothing had woken me up I certainly would’ve slept longer since I had only slept for roughly three hours now but I didn’t feel like telling Dallon that would make him feel better.  
Dallon was just a way too nice person for this world. I often wondered how he was able to borne me since I would’ve kicked myself out already or never would’ve suggested moving in in the first place.  
It was probably the first time since I had moved in that Dallon hadn’t made any breakfast but I internally appreciated that. I already felt bad enough for living here but him making me breakfast every day was just too much. And I wondered why Dallon was like that. I wondered how he could always be so positive and helpful because it was barely possible for a person to be so perfect.  
Just, Dallon was. And it was maybe because of that that he didn’t have any luck in love. It was always people who deserved to be lucky more than anything in the world who weren’t.  
Eventually, I shook my head, seeing that Dallon was already taking out a pan, probably wanting to make me pancakes again. “C’mon, stop it. I’m going to get fat if you continue to spoil me like that.” I laughed but Dallon turned around seriously. “You look perfect, Ryan.” He said and there was a sudden sadness in his expression that I definitely couldn’t identify. “You do too, Dallon, honestly.” I replied looking at him like I had never done that before.   
“Ok, well, then we won’t have any pancakes today. What do you want instead?” Dallon eventually asked, obviously changing the topic and I decided to do too. “Let me make us something for a change. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the cooking skills of chef Ryan.” I laughed when Dallon looked at me doubtfully but eventually he sat down and when I turned around I felt his gaze in my back.  
I decided to make some scrambled eggs, even fucking up the latter because they turned out too dry, and added some toast. Not quite the breakfast I’d have loved to make but at least I had done something instead of Dallon spoiling me again.   
It wasn’t supposed to be like that, I realized. Dallon wasn’t supposed to stick with me. No, instead he should be on Brendon’s side or well, I didn’t know if I could even call this a war with two sides but Dallon was certainly supposed to support the other guy more since he already knew him for years and I was just me, not worthy of being supported.  
It was weird but I felt bad because Dallon was being so good to me. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I felt like this was all just a dream, like Dallon, Brendon and even Spencer were just products of my imagination and that I’d eventually wake up in the house I had lived in with Lizzy and Z, still living there like nothing had happened.  
“When do you have to work?” I finally asked, trying to distract myself from the thoughts floating around in my mind. Dallon looked puzzled for a moment but then recalled the time. “In half an hour actually.” He responded, sounding surprised, and it was obvious that Dallon had forgotten about work which was something that never happened. Dallon never forgot anything, even less work so I didn’t understand why he had now.  
I hadn’t been the only one who had changed my workplace. Before Dallon had worked for Brendon but he had stopped doing that at about the same time I had too, now working as an accountant in a usual company which certainly was a big change to where he had worked before. And I didn’t even understand why Dallon would do such a thing. Just because I had my problems with Brendon didn’t mean that he was supposed to stop spending time with him too. Spencer hadn’t, I knew that and that was fine.   
It was 8:30 in the morning and there’d be a whole day ahead of me I’d had to use somehow. I could’ve tried going back to sleep but I doubted that that would’ve worked. Usually when I woke up in the morning hours I couldn’t fall back asleep. But I certainly needed to do something because if I didn’t all the thoughts I tried to hold back would come back to the surface and I definitely didn’t need that.  
Dallon hurried to his room to get dressed and when he eventually came back to the kitchen to grab something to eat for work he looked like a completely different person. I was used to seeing Dallon in a suit, of course I was considering that he had already worn one when we had met each other for the first time, but after having lived with him for almost two months now I was as used to seeing him only wearing boxers and a casual t-shirt.  
And I felt like suit-Dallon and shirt-Dallon were two completely different persons. Both were pretty secretive, never really showing what they were feeling, but shirt-Dallon was at least able to laugh genuinelyand I definitely preferred the latter.  
I remembered us watching a movie together which felt like it had been years ago but had actually just been weeks. There had been a funny moment and Dallon hadn’t been able to stop laughing which had been so refreshing. Sure, Dallon was a positive person overall but I often felt like all of this was just a façade. Like beneath all of this laid something incredibly sad.  
I came back to the reality when I heard that Dallon was about to leave the apartment, grabbing his keys and wallet. And suddenly something felt wrong. When I grabbed his wrist, everything did. I didn’t care about the fact that Dallon was already too late for work, maybe I didn’t even want him to go to work at all, and then I saw his expression which was a perfect poker face again.  
Apparently everyone had mastered the latter. Nobody wanted to show other people what they really felt because that would make one way too vulnerable. But that was Dallon and me, Dallon and me who had already gone through so much together and it felt wrong.   
I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to kiss him to recall how it was to kiss another person because I hadn’t done the latter in more than six months. I wanted to kiss another man, I wanted to forget Brendon, I wanted to do so many things and nothing at all. But I knew that it wouldn’t have been fair if I would’ve kissed Dallon. It wouldn’t have been fair for anyone.  
So instead of kissing him on the mouth, I lightly touched his cheek with my lips, eventually releasing him like nothing had happened. Dallon looked puzzled for a moment but eventually managed to regain his composure, opening the door in the same moment in which I said “Have a great day, sweetie.” and then I was alone again.  
Sometimes – or actually very often – I had no idea what I was actually doing. Not just on a specific day but in life in general. I wasn’t naïve or stupid and that was because I felt like this couldn’t just be it. My childhood had been the worst but for years now I had been pretty lucky and a part of me was still waiting for the next bad thing to happen.  
Well, how things ended between both Z and me and even more Brendon and me hadn’t been the best thing ever but that was nothing compared to my childhood. Yes, I certainly felt like either my childhood or the life I was living now had to be a dream because they were so extremely different.  
I always tended to saw certain parts of my life as lives on their own. My childhood had been a messed up one, the time where I had been living on my own until I eventually had gotten together with Z had been another and my life with Z had been a pretty good one. And then Brendon had come and a new life had started. But I knew that the latter was over now. It had to be and Dallon was the “after Brendon”. But in a completely different way.   
If Dallon would’ve been straight he certainly would’ve been incredibly popular around ladies. He never would’ve had problems to get a woman and far-fetched a wife. Well, he actually had had the latter but life didn’t want him to be a ‘normal’ person. And at this point I wondered who even wanted to be normal anymore.   
I wondered but had never dared to actually ask Dallon when he had realized that he wasn’t like other guys. Had he always known that he was a homosexual and had he only married Breezy as a farce? Or had he only realized later that he wasn’t attracted to women?  
I myself had never had that ‘I am different.’ feeling, at least not about my sexual attraction towards people. But I certainly had had that feeling when I had been in the hospital seeing all the people look at me, exactly knowing that it hadn’t been an accident but nobody had cared enough. Nobody had ever cared about what my father had been doing to me. And wasn’t it ironic that the only person who eventually had was the mother of the guy who almost killed Lizzy – his own daughter.  
Eventually I started doing the dishes as well as other household stuff. Dallon was already doing too much, in the first place he had offered me to share his flat, so that was the least thing I could do.   
We were writing the year 1955, Hank Williams was already dead for more than two years but ‘I’ll Never Get Out Of This World Alive’ had never felt more relatable as I was standing in the middle of Dallon’s apartment, wondering what the future would hold ready for me. If one only knew.  
As I was done cleaning, I saw that it was already time to fetch Lizzy from the kindergarten – something I usually did since Z was often working at that time but more importantly, I never ever wanted her to forget me – her father. Because that was what I was and nobody would ever tell her something else. There was only one person who would dare revealing the truth but I certainly didn’t want to think about that bastard. Not now, not ever.  
Lizzy’s kindergarten was a bit farther away from Dallon’s apartment than it had been from our house but I certainly didn‘t care about that. As I arrived there with the car Z and I still shared because one didn’t always need one in the city she was already standing there, her child care worker next to her.  
“I’m sorry that I’m a bit too late, sweetheart.” I apologized as I saw Lizzy’s distressed expression. And when she started crying I knew that something was wrong. I immediately hugged her and signalized the women to go away which she fortunately did and then I just let Lizzy cry – helpless sobs that scattered my heart into a thousand pieces.  
“What’s the matter, sweetie? Tell me. Does something hurt or has someone done something bad to you?” I eventually asked as I saw my daughter calm down a bit. She shook her head, wiped away her tears and then said something that broke the thousands of pieces that my heart already was into millions.  
“I thought that you wouldn’t come.” Lizzy exclaimed helplessly. “But why would you think something like that?” I said, almost angrily but definitely as helpless as she was. “Dads leave. Amelia’s dad has left her mother and I’m so afraid that you’ll leave too.” I realized what all of that was about, patted her on the head and smiled reassuringly.  
“I’m never going to do that. I swear, okay? Pinky promise?” I grinned and that finally broke the ice. We both stretched out our little fingers and entangled them. “Other dads leave, yes that’s something I can’t change but I never will. Just because your mom and I aren’t married any longer doesn’t mean that I don’t love her or you anymore. It has been a mutual thing but I’ll always stay close, okay? I’ll stay super close when you hit puberty and then you’ll be so annoyed by that.” I laughed as Lizzy shook her head and claimed “That’ll never happen.”   
“Yeah, we’ll see about that.” I grinned, gently stroked her head and that was my happy moment.  
Hours later Dallon came back from work just when I wanted to leave to go to the nightclub. Usually he got back home earlier but that whole day had already been such a weird one so nothing was really surprising me anymore. He didn’t even look at me as he walked straight to the kitchen and I had been napping on the sofa in the living room.  
And then I followed him to the place where I had tried to make some food – and it actually didn’t turn out as bad. “There’s lasagna in the oven. It’s definitely eatable.” I claimed, laughing, but Dallon didn’t laugh. Of course he didn’t because why would Dallon Weekes laugh know after being so weird recently.  
Suddenly I had to think about the first time I had seen him back when I had worked in the nightclub pre-Brendon. That nightclub that had literally changed everything for me and that I had still come back to to work at.  
Back then Dallon had been so overly confident, yes, cocky, wanting to be malicious but now it felt like he was only a shadow of who he used to be. Sure, I knew that much of what Brendon and Dallon had been doing had just been a farce and that especially Dallon wasn’t actually like he had pretended to be, but still, he was a completely different person now. And that was something I already knew way too well.  
It had been just like that with Z and eventually it had come out that she had a mental illness. And if Dallon also had one I wouldn’t know how to cope with that. Even though I didn’t know any of the guys for more than fifteen months I certainly knew them and Dallon had always been the positive, teasingly one who always told everyone how much he loved them when he was drunk. Even the latter barely happened anymore.  
And if it would come out that all that positivity that had given me so much strength had just been a mask he had been wearing, I most likely would break down too. It had already been so hard with Z, I wouldn’t be able to be around another person with a mental illness.  
“Dallon.” I eventually said loudly because he hadn’t said anything yet. And then I repeated his name more vehemently and he finally looked at me – tired eyes and broken smile.   
“I’m worried about you.” I added which made him laugh – but it wasn’t a beautiful laugh. “Oh well, you think that I am like Z? That I have a mental disorder which by the way isn’t something to be ashamed of but I can assure you that I don’t have one. I’m completely fine, well, that’s maybe a bit of an exaggeration, but I’m not like Z.”  
The choice of words was a little bit miscarried because it made Z look like she was unnatural but I was able to overlook that. “Maybe you should go to a doctor, you know, just to check that everything’s okay?” Dallon laughed again. “Yeah, why the hell would I do that? Just because your wife – or ex-wife, what actually? – needs treatment doesn’t mean that everyone has a mental disorder. Stop overanalyzing people, Ryan.”  
Dallon stopped, stepping closer towards me and then the ugly grin finally disappeared as if he realized how stupid we were actually acting. “Maybe you’re actually the one who has a mental disorder.” Dallon eventually suggested and I knew that most people would probably be furious if another person told them something like that but I was unusually calm, sighed and said “Yeah, maybe I am really the crazy one here.”   
Now it was my turn to laugh listlessly and when Dallon cupped my cheek I finally looked at him again, seeing that he was completely serious. Serious but also completely honest and open. And that was what I had wanted so bad.   
“Fuck, Ryan, I didn’t mean that. I really didn’t. I mean…” He started but I cut off the words by pressing my lips against his. That was something I had wanted to do for so long, actually not having done it in like half a year, back when things had still been so damn complicated with Brendon and when we had both been so deadly in love with Brendon Boyd Urie.  
Now I was almost over him and I was kissing Dallon again. And it felt like I had never not done it. It still felt different than kissing Brendon but that was completely reasonable and I didn’t even want to compare them because both guys were completely different kinds of kissers.  
I wanted to let my tongue slip into his mouth but suddenly Dallon was pushing me against the next near wall so his entered my mouth first. And I liked that maybe a little bit too much. Brendon had been smaller than me and Z had been too, but Dallon was actually taller than me.   
I loved how his skinny body pressed mine against the wall until there were only a couple of layers of clothes preventing our skin to touch. I loved how he was kissing me so aggressively yet still soft at the same time, pushing one hand against the wall next to my shoulder and cupping my cheek with the other one.   
I loved everything about that kiss, so much that a deep groan escaped my throat until Dallon suddenly broke the kiss, leaving me breathless and confused. Seconds later I eventually opened my eyes and saw that he was looking at me in a similar Lizzy had looked at me earlier. But then he didn’t start crying like she had, instead he vehemently shook his head, almost angrily.  
“We can’t do this, Ryan, We can’t fucking do this. Don’t you understand?” I didn’t really but didn’t say anything like that. We were both homosexuals and we were alone in his apartment where nobody would catch us. I certainly didn’t see a problem. But I felt like that wasn’t what Dallon meant.  
“If you’re talking about Brendon, I’m over him. Well, not completely but almost and I’m certainly not doing this because of Brendon. Maybe I have in the beginning but it’s not like that anymore. I like kissing you and why shouldn’t we have some fun? Goddamn, Dallon, we’re two guys finding other men attractive and we’re living in one apartment. What do you expect me to do?”   
Maybe I wasn’t telling the whole truth. I certainly wasn’t because I hadn’t just liked that kiss, I had loved it. Even when I had still been hopelessly in love with Brendon I had loved kissing the taller guy. Kissing Brendon had been adventurous, had felt forbidden and had felt like something I wouldn’t always get.  
But now that I hadn’t kissed Dallon in months it certainly felt like coming home – more than ever since I was actually living with him. Kissing Dallon wasn’t as messed up but not less breathtaking and overwhelming.   
After what felt like hours of silence, Dallon finally replied but not with the words I had hoped to hear. “If you think like that, Ryan, if you honestly are that stupid, than, holy hell, I almost regret having offered you to move in with me.” He said and then he left leaving me standing in the kitchen feeling to many emotions.  
And I thought that, yes, maybe Dallon was right. Maybe kissing each other really wasn’t the best idea. Maybe it would just mess up everything even more. Maybe it would destroy something that hadn’t even been there yet. Who even knew?


	2. Think for yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've decided that Tueday's going to be my upload day which I've already almost forgotten but here you have a new chapter - certainly the longest one of this story because they get shorter and shorter - which isn't a bad thing necessarily.  
> Well, I hope everyone's doing okay in this shitty time. And if you enjoy this, it'd make my miserable soul really happy if you'd leave kudos or even a comment.  
> Until next Tuesday, Gwen.

It was days later when I finally saw Dallon again. He had managed to hide from me – whether consciously or not – since our work schedules were pretty different at this point and in rare moments where we had both been at home, I still hadn’t seen him because he had been in his room and doing whatever. And now we were both sitting in the living room as if we were strangers. Dallon was reading something but I felt like he was rather pretending to do so and I was actually doing the same.  
Sometimes I felt like we were still little boys, never really having grown up, even after everything we had gone through, and maybe that was true. Maybe everyone actually was a little boy inside. In the end certainly nobody knew what they what they were doing.  
So I had decided to give Dallon his freedom because, well, maybe I had messed up a little bit. Maybe I had missed up big time. I didn’t even know anymore. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. When I had decided to part ways with Brendon I had had the fantasy that life would be less complicated but now at the latest I had realized that it had only been just that – a fantasy.  
I had thought that Brendon had been the one who had made everything so much more complicated but that had never been true. Of course he hadn’t made things easier but even without him there were Z, Lizzy, Spencer and also Dallon whom I didn’t know how to behave towards anymore.  
I couldn’t even tell why it was like that or when it had started to be so weird but sometimes I was afraid to say anything at all towards Dallon. And it certainly wasn’t supposed to fucking be like that.  
The doorbell rang and either saved me from my thoughts or would make everything worse. That I didn’t know yet. Because Dallon didn’t show any sign of standing up, I went there and opened it eventually, realizing that it was Spencer, followed by William, and decided that they maybe wouldn’t make everything worse. Some company would be good.  
Will was carrying some bottles of beer and I took them, placing them at the table in the living room like it was the hardest job I had ever implemented. Finally, Dallon put aside the book in which he hadn’t read anyways and looked up.  
I decided that I wouldn’t get drunk that night. I really wouldn’t. Even though it was my day off I couldn’t afford it. Because when I got drunk I would start kissing Dallon, maybe William or even Spencer, and all those were all things that rather weren’t supposed to happen.  
It was just that I wanted to kiss Dallon so bad. Or maybe I just wanted to kiss another person because I felt lonely. Yes, I felt so damn lonely because one year ago I had had a wife and an affair with a guy but now I didn’t have anything. And that loneliness made me selfish. It made me damn selfish because I didn’t consider how Dallon felt with all of that. He was a riddle for me anyways – just like Brendon had been and apparently everyone else.  
No, I certainly wouldn’t get drunk tonight because if I already made such stupid decisions when I was sober I didn’t want to think about how irrational I would act when I wasn’t. But one beer had never made anyone drunk which was why I grabbed the bottle opener and chugged down like half of it.  
“Lizzy’s going to turn six years old in like a week. Can you actually believe that?” I eventually started a topic that wouldn’t hurt anybody. It wasn’t that we didn’t talk about rather unpleasant things in general but I didn’t want to do the latter while Dallon was as weird as he was at the moment.  
“Yeah, I know, they growing up so fast. I can still remember the night that Linda sat next to me in the car, being in labor, while I drove to the hospital like a madman like it had only happened yesterday. It’s crazy, almost frightening, how fast time flies by. Especially when you have children: You see them getting older and at the same time realize that you’re getting older yourself and, well, that’s definitely frightening.” Spencer exhaled and I sighed.  
I wasn’t afraid of dying itself but I was frightened of what would come after death. People always claimed to know everything but nobody knew the answer to what would come after death because the people who had experienced it where just – dead. And that was part of what kept me awake at night.  
“Anyone wants something to eat?” I changed the topic again and felt like an idiot doing that because it was so obvious. I was acting so ridiculous considering that the people around me were just Spencer, Will and Dallon. Except the latter wasn’t just Dallon.  
“Okay, what the fuck is going on here? Why are you guys acting so weird?” Spencer eventually asked, looking at Dallon and me sitting opposite of him. Of course he had realized that something was different. Even though Spencer hadn’t realized what had been going on between Brendon and me, he usually wasn’t that bad at analyzing people’s behavior. And of course just in that moment he was really good.  
Dallon smiled. He was actually smiling though I doubted that it was real and then he replied with the most convincing voice that only confirmed what a great actor he could’ve been. “Everything’s fine. It’s just pretty stressful at work and I still need to get used to the new work hours. You know, before I’ve had Ryan’s schedule but now it’s completely different.”  
When he pronounced my name in the most neutral way he quickly looked at me. It wasn’t enough for me to recognize anything but it was a glance that made me want to scream.  
Spencer didn’t know that Dallon and I had kissed several times but Will of course knew it because he had been there the first time it had happened. Sometimes I still couldn’t believe that that night had been real. I had come to that party on the highest floor with Brendon but then I had gotten drunk and had seen Dallon and Will kiss.  
And somehow that had triggered something inside of me. It had been the alcohol cursing through my veins along with the new sensation I felt when I was kissing Brendon. I had wanted to have fun with another men too and Will and Dallon had been just there. It had been fun, it surely had been and I had been so drunk that night.  
It was always so easy to blame things on the alcohol but that night it really had been the latter taking my decisions. Until it had happened again when I had been sober. And Dallon was right: Months ago I had kissed him because of Brendon. I had kissed him to experience how it was to be involved with other men than the only one I had known so far. I had done it to prove something to myself, to Dallon, maybe even to William whom I hadn’t even really known then. But I had certainly done it because of Brendon.  
Just, now months had passed and I had certainly managed to get over Brendon. I had continued living my life but then I had kissed Dallon again – sober and without having Brendon in mind – without having an excuse. I had loved it too much without even having an excuse. And maybe that was what was really frightening the two of us.  
“Yes, Dallon’s right. Nothing’s really going on, we’re just not talking much at the moment because, to be honest, we barely see each other.” I laughed but at least the latter was true. I was still so used to working at the same times as Dallon, sometimes I even wanted to ask him if we should leave the apartment together, but then I remembered that he would go to sleep in a few hours and that when he would wake up the next day I’d still sleep.  
It was almost like living with Z, except it wasn’t at all.  
“Well, if you say so.” Spencer eventually said but I doubted that he actually believed it. And then he added “Cheers.” because we were all holding a bottle of beer in our hands and we clinked them which was weird because I was so used to doing that with shots. But no, I wouldn’t do the latter. “Three Cheers.” I replied, drinking the rest of my bottle and trying to relax.  
This was just a casual meetup between friends. Everything was fine. At least I was trying to tell myself that. Spencer started talking about music and that definitely broke the ice because music – no matter with whom or in what situation – was something I was always able to talk about. We argued about Jazz and Country, mentioned Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole and Ella Fitzgerald until at some point I even forgot that everything had been weird.  
When the doorbell rang again what could’ve been hours or just minutes later, I was almost in sanguine mood but when I opened it my heart started beating for a second. I felt like I was the main character in some stupid movie because Brendon standing in front of me certainly wasn’t real. He looked shocked, maybe because he had forgotten that I was living with Dallon but I was certain that he had already known that.  
It was the first time that I saw him since we had kind of come to our agreement about two months ago. And right in that moment I had no idea how to behave towards him. Hugging would’ve been weird but shaking each other’s hands would’ve been even weirder considering that we had fucked before. So instead of doing either we just stood there awkwardly.  
I didn’t regret having had an affair with Brendon. Even though I often thought that I hated him I didn’t regret anything I or we had done. Because after all Brendon had taught me so much. He had shown me what I had never experienced before and even though it hadn’t ended well, it was still an experience I didn’t want to miss.  
But right in that moment I felt like nothing of that had ever happened – like we were seeing each other for the first time. Moments later I heard someone – probably Spencer – say “Fuck.” and when I turned around I realized that they were all standing there – Spencer frightened, Will confused and Dallon – angry, I figured. Of course he was angry.  
“Hey guys.” Brendon eventually greeted, entering the apartment even though nobody had officially invited him. In that moment I realized that Will was the only one in our round who was still working for Brendon. At some point we had all done that but now Spencer, Dallon and me myself didn’t have the same job we had had when we had met. And that was pretty weird.  
I realized that Dallon was constantly looking at me and Brendon as if we’d go for each other right in the moment he wouldn’t look at us. As if. William offered Brendon a beer which he took and I realized that Brendon wasn’t even wearing a suit today. Instead he was wearing a casual black shirt and black trousers – similar to my own outfit. The fact that that was the case made me weirdly confident.  
“I didn’t know I was interrupting something here. Actually, I just wanted to drop by to talk to Dallon but since you’re all here I guess I can tell all of you.” Brendon eventually started and I realized that he was nervous and anxious which I weirdly wasn’t in that moment. “Oh, you’re not interrupting anything. Spencer and Will just dropped by and it’s actually the first time in weeks that we’re seeing each other together. I barely see Dallon anymore.” I laughed, quickly glancing at my roommate and for the first time today, Dallon and I were really looking at each other.  
But then the moment was over already and I felt like everyone started talking all at once until Spencer remembered that Brendon wanted to tell us something. “Right, okay, this may come as a shock for you but Sarah and I have decided something. Well, I think I’m just going to say it.” Brendon was so unusually nervous which almost made me laugh but I didn’t actually. “We’ve decided that we’ll adopt a baby. You know, we’ve been trying for a while now but it just wouldn’t work and then we thought that there are so many parentless children whom we could be parents for.”  
Brendon expectantly looked at us and then we all just started laughing. “This is supposed to be a shock? Hell, B, I thought that you’ll be moving to like Asia or some shit but it probably would’ve been more a shock if you would’ve told us that Sarah’s actually pregnant.” Spencer exclaimed and I couldn’t stop laughing because, hell, that was so unlike Brendon. It was almost as if we had switched roles in that moment.  
“So, you think that’s a good idea? I mean, I’ve thought about it a lot because it’s not a minor thing. I mean, it’s a baby and there’ll be so much paperwork and so many controls until we’d be able to adopt but I – we – really want it.” “Yes, Brendon, I do think that’s a good idea. Honestly, you and Sarah will be great parents, I know that for sure.” I said reassuringly and I meant it.  
Sure, Brendon had done some shit in the past but in the end he wasn’t a bad person, it just hadn’t been supposed to work out between the two of us. And now he was looking at me and it wasn’t weird anymore. More than half a year had passed since things had been really over between us but now we had both processed that.  
I knew that Brendon for sure would always have a place in my heart because he had been my first and because he had changed everything for me but I was beyond the point of where I wanted it to be weird.  
“Are you sure?” He asked again, directed at me, and I thought that maybe it had actually been my approval he had wanted to hear. “Yes, I am fucking sure. And now stop being such a pussy.” He laughed and I thought that maybe Brendon wasn’t my biggest problem at this point.  
A few hours later everyone was gone which left Dallon and me alone in the apartment. Sometimes I forgot that I was now living there too and wanted to leave but then remembered that all my belongings were located in a room a few meters away. I’d probably still need some time to get used to that.  
We started cleaning up because five people could make a hell of a mess, I realized again and for a moment it almost felt like the time where Dallon and I had worked together in the casino. Expect we weren’t working and cleaning up other people’s stuff. No, we were in his – in our – apartment and nothing would ever be as it had been ever again.  
I took the bottles to place them in a box where we collected glass and when I got back up I realized that Dallon was staring me, lost in his own thoughts, whatever they were.  
I often wondered how Dallon’s feelings for Brendon were now. He had told me that he was also in love with him but I wondered if that still the case. A love like Dallon felt for Brendon wasn’t one that would go away that easily.  
Eventually I realized that Dallon was still wearing his suit and that was weirdly triggering me. Because the thing was that I didn’t like suit-Dallon, at least not anymore. Suit-Dallon was a completely different person and I felt like especially since he had started his new job the latter had become even more unlikeable.  
“It has been a great evening, hasn’t it?” I tried to start a conversation because the mood between us was just weird weird. Instead of saying something, the older guy only nodded and the conversation that hadn’t even started, died. When we were done I decided to do what Dallon had done all these days by attempting to go to my room.  
But that was when he finally held me back, looking at me with glassy eyes that I could interpret as anything or nothing. It was so hard to read people, I realized. First I had thought that it was only Brendon but then I had realized that it had been the same with Z and now with Dallon. Though maybe it was just so hard when people didn’t want to be read, when they were purposely closing up.  
“Look, I’m sorry for what I’ve said a few days ago. I didn’t mean that, you know? I don’t regret that I’ve offered you to move in with me. It’s quite the opposite actually.” The taller guy eventually said but he didn’t explain anything further.  
I smiled because, hell, there was nothing else I wanted to do and then I hugged him. And that certainly wasn’t some kind of hug that would lead to anything, instead it was a hug shared by two friends. Still, I couldn’t help but bury my nose in Dallon’s shoulder, inhaling his smell that had already become so familiar.  
And then the hug was already over and I tried not to look too disappointed because of something like that. “I’m sorry too.” I explained. “I shouldn’t have said such shit. You know, just because we… just because we are who and where we are doesn’t mean that we should be anything more than just friends. That was stupid.”  
Dallon shook his head saying that it was okay but I felt like it wasn’t actually. No, it definitely wasn’t, we both felt that, but that wouldn’t change anything. “Well, I’m pretty tired so I’ll go to sleep.” I finally said instead of mentioning just one of the unsaid things between us. I wasn’t even tired because I had slept until noon that day and it was only 11pm but that was the best excuse.  
And I felt like every time we were making one step in the right direction, we immediately made two steps in the wrong one. It was the worst. Dallon nodded, probably sensing my lie but then going to his room too.  
When I heard that everything was quiet I eventually sneaked out of my room like I was a teenager which was completely ridiculous but I didn’t want Dallon to know that I’d go out. Sometimes I just needed to do that: Breathing in some fresh air in order to continue breathing and there was no better place to do that than in a city that never slept. Expect one could never see the stars on the sky. Well, maybe Brendon could.  
I shook my head because I certainly didn’t want to think about Brendon. Not now, not ever. And then I headed straight to the nightclub even though I didn’t even need to work that night. Fortunately it wasn’t that far away, definitely closer to Dallon’s apartment than it had been to the house.  
Andy was standing at the door, looking confused but not saying anything because we had actually never been on that level where we would ask questions. Eventually I entered the sticky facility that was always crowded, no matter what day or time it was.  
And then I finally made my way to the person I had intended to see. Pete didn’t see me first but when he did he looked as confused as Andy, expect he asked me what was going on wearing a worried expression.  
“I think I messed up big time.” I started because I had no idea what I was actually doing – right in that moment as well as in life in general. “Can we please talk somewhere quiet?” I added, almost begging, seeing Pete’s doubting expression. “Ryan, I gotta work, you know that.” He explained but I shook my head. “Please, please!” I insisted and even though I hated acting like that usually I certainly wasn’t exaggerating in that moment.  
“Okay, okay. I’m going to talk to Patrick.” Pete sighed and then he was gone, leaving me alone at the bar with that new guy I couldn’t remember the name of because it was some European slang shit.  
Because Pete was a few years older than me and actually still the oldest of my friends, I had always seen him as some kind of mentor. I had thought that because he had a few years more on his life clock and therefore more experience in life that he’d actually know what he was doing. I had thought that people in their 30s would know what they were doing, that one would eventually reach a point where one had one’s life under control but Pete was the best example that that wasn’t the case.  
Once divorced, having to take care of his son on his own, his life was certainly everything but under control. But I had needed time to realize that. Years ago everything had been different and now that I was twenty-five I didn’t feel like I’d get my life sorted out anytime soon.  
As I was waiting, I glanced at all the people wondering how there were certain people who would go to a club every day. Working through the day and then partying at night was something I couldn’t imagine at all. But there were people who could afford it, just, I had never been one of them.  
I had never worked hours other people considered as normal. The most normal I had ever had had probably been when I had lived alone after having run away from the bastards’ house and then having left Mrs Arnolds’ house – the latter actually being the most homey I had ever felt which was so ironic actually.  
I couldn’t imagine going back to the normal schedule as people would say like Dallon, after having worked night hours for so long. I didn’t know what he had done before having started to work for Brendon. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to ask him, we simply hadn’t talked about that yet. And now I suddenly wanted to know that more than ever. I wanted to know everything about Dallon, realizing that there were so many things I still didn’t know about him despite everything.  
Completely lost in my thoughts I didn’t realize that Pete had returned, looking at me skeptically, Patrick standing next to him. “What a nice surprise, Ryan,” the latter said, “to see you here today even though it’s your day off. Are you that motivated?” First I thought that he was being serious and wanted to correct him but then Patrick started laughing and I forced myself to do too.  
Patrick’s jokes or whatever one could call them were the worst, unfunny and ridiculous, completely the opposite of Pete’s where I sometimes could cry from laughing. But after all he was my boss and I had to admit that there were worse ones. “Well, whatever you two got to talk about so urgently, do it. I’ll tell Joe that he should help Sergej out.”  
Patrick nodded and I recalled that that what the other guy’s name even though I doubted that it would stay in my head for long. Pete went first, leaving the nightclub and going to the room where we were supposed to leave our belongings if we had anything important with us.  
And even though I had been so keen to talk to Pete just minutes before I suddenly didn’t know what to say anymore. But then I forced myself to talk because Pete was missing work because of me. “So, I saw Brendon today. He came to our apartment” – it was still weird to call Dallon’s apartment “our – “and it has been the first time we’ve met since you know what. I think Brendon has even forgotten that I’m living with Dallon.” I laughed half-heartedly.  
Pete looked alarmed and I wondered why everyone did nowadays when Brendon and I were around each other. They didn’t have a reason to be. Well, not anymore. It would’ve been truly immature if I would hate Brendon just because he had chosen the woman he had already been married to because it had actually been a rational decision.  
Sometimes I wondered how that was possible – loving two people at the same time. In Viking-age it had been completely normal when a man had married two women and there were still several countries in Africa where that was legal. I doubted that the man loved both women equally though. There was always one who had come first and even though Brendon’s and my situation had been different, Sarah had been there years before and more importantly, she was actually a woman.  
So I definitely didn’t blame Brendon, there was no rage between us, but I simply preferred not having to seen him that often. Because I wouldn’t blow smoke here, it was hard, it was still hard. And maybe it would never be easy to see him actually.  
“Spencer and William have been there and Dallon of course when Brendon has told us that he and Sarah will adopt a baby. And I just need someone to talk to who hasn’t been there, you know? Well, that sounds like you’re my last choice but you aren’t. I wanted, or rather I needed, to talk to you because I have no idea where I am in this mess.”  
I looked at Pete who – for a change – looked puzzled himself. The fact that Brendon and Sarah wanted to adopt a baby hadn’t surprised me that much because for as long as I had known them, they had wanted to have children and because that just wouldn’t work, adopting was certainly a good idea. It didn’t even came as a surprise, but somehow it still did.  
“How did you react when he has told you?” Pete asked, appearing to not know what to say himself. “I told him that I thought it was a good idea. No, really, I do. I’m happy for them and I think that they’ll be great parents but you know what’s weird? It almost seemed as if Brendon was seeking my approval. And isn’t that weird considering… everything?”  
Pete didn’t get to answer the question because right when he was about to Andy opened the door, rushing in as if the world wouldn’t see a tomorrow. I wanted to complain that we were in the middle of an important conversation but then I saw his expression that was serious, even for him. The thing was, Andy always looked serious but I had never seen him look that way before. It was almost terrifying.  
“What is it? What’s wrong?” I exclaimed, Pete not saying anything because maybe he was too caught up or just unable to speak. Andy shook his head and then started explaining. “Meagan” – who kind of was Bronx’s nanny but I doubted that she was just that for Pete – “has just called, saying that Bronx’s temperature is really high plus his nose won’t stop bleeding. She said that she will bring him to the hospital because she’s really worried.”  
I saw Pete’s expression change with the words and when Andy had finished he looked like he’d either start crying or punch something. But then he did neither, being unusually calm. “Tell Patrick that I won’t be able to continue working today.” He just said and when Andy returned “He already knows.” Pete had left the room.  
I decided that I would follow him because that was what friends did and I doubted that it’d be a good idea to let Pete drive in his state. The latter was just about to start his car when I held him back. “Let me drive.” I demanded but Pete shook his head. “You don’t have to do this. I know that it’s your day off so enjoy it and go to sleep.”  
I almost laughed because of how ridiculous that command was but then I remembered the seriousness of the situation. “Do you really think that I’ll be able to sleep now? You really shouldn’t drive in that state. Come on, Pete, let me help you.” Eventually the older guy agreed, probably realizing that that was the only rational decision.  
We arrived at the hospital approximately twenty minutes later, Pete almost jumping out of the car, running to the counter where a woman told us where we were supposed to find his son.  
And when we moved to the third floor, seeing an exhausted Meagan sit next to Bronx who was now sleeping, it was just like in the movies. “How is he? What the fuck is going on?” Pete asked and Meagan explained some medical shit I couldn’t understand though I figured that Pete’s son would be fine. Maybe she should actually become a doctor.  
Then she and Pete were quickly kissing each other on the mouth and it was even more like in the movies. But that was certainly a topic for another day.


	3. You like me too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tuesday = Another chapter.  
> I haven't written anything in like two weeks even though I'd have the time now and I'm going mad.  
> But don't worry, I'm okay.

Fortunately Bronx recovered pretty well, no serious disorder behind the symptoms. And suddenly it was already the day of Lizzy’s sixth birthday, March 16th. I couldn’t believe that the little girl would start going to school in just a few months. Time flew by and if I had to be honest, sometimes it still felt like Z and I were running away – she being pregnant and I helpless, getting married in a church with a reproachful priest not making the situation better.   
Sometimes I felt like we were still nineteen, having to grow up way too fast and already having had to go through way too much for that age. But we weren’t like that anymore. It was six years later and everything had changed. Everything except I still was helpless and felt too young to cope with anything.  
Pete was rushing through the door as I was polishing glasses, completely lost in my thoughts. And then I realized that there weren’t any people left anymore, my shift was already over and it probably would be better to go home and get some sleep.   
Pete was looking at me as he usually did – skeptical, worried, confused – and I felt all that emotions. We still hadn’t talked about that kiss I had witnessed between Meagan and him but maybe there wasn’t much to talk about actually. I certainly would be happy if he had found someone after Ashlee had left him – and kind of all of us.   
“Any plans for tonight?” He asked as if it wasn’t already after 4am. I laughed, shaking my head and answering “Well, sleeping, or at least trying to sleep. I got to be at a birthday party tomorrow at 1pm.” Something in Pete’s eyes flickered when he nodded. “Yeah, right, it’s Lizzy’s birthday.” I nodded and then got an idea. “Why don’t you come too with Bronx? I’m pretty sure it’ll be great and isn’t it weird that Lizzy and Bronx have never met before considering that we actually know each other for years?”  
“Well, you know Ashlee has been pretty crazy about Bronx meeting anyone and after that… I don’t have to tell you. But I’d love to come, I think Bronx’d too.” Pete smiled and his smile was so contagious that I couldn’t help but do too.   
I was extremely glad to see him smile again considering everything he had gone through. I knew that Pete had to deal with depression and other shit, back then everyone had tried to help him but he hadn’t wanted to listen. And maybe that had been part of why Ashlee had left, but that still didn’t justify her behavior. Because in the end she hadn’t just left Pete, she had also left her son, her best friend and everyone around her. And such behavior could never be justified.  
It was one of those nights where I felt victorious and incorruptible. I remembered often having felt like that with Brendon when I had finished working and where everything could’ve happened. Of course it was something completely different with Pete because he was just a friend and I had never felt something else towards him but still, it was one of those nights.  
“Well, see you in a few hours then.” I finally said but then added “I’m glad that you’ve found someone who makes you happy. You deserve it, honestly.” and Pete was looking like an exposed teenager which made me laugh. “Good night, or well, whatever.” And with these words I left the nightclub, grabbing my stuff and then going home.  
Sometimes I forgot that home wasn’t the house in which soon another family – maybe a real one – would live in anymore but Dallon’s apartment which was located in a completely different direction. I was pretty lucky that I was able to actually walk instead of taking the car or even worse, the public transport or maybe that was just because I liked walking and about thirty minutes wasn’t much for me.   
When I arrived at home I was surprised to see that the light in the living room was on, quickly depositing my wallet and keys and going there to see Dallon fast asleep on the couch. A book was laying on his chest, half covered by his left hand and quiet music was playing in the background.  
Almost every person looked softer and more innocent when they were sleeping and that was certainly the case for Dallon too. He wasn’t wearing his suit but instead a random black shirt and comfortable trousers that looked way too good on him.   
When I leaned down to strike on stray strand of hair off I quickly kissed him on the forehead, feeling as if I was doing something forbidden, feeling naked and exposed and like all of that was just ridiculous. Maybe it was just too late or too early. And I certainly needed sleep  
Eventually I grabbed a blanket and pulled it over Dallon’s body and then turning off the lamp. When I left the living room to go to my own chamber I felt the most awkward I had ever felt in my entire life.  
I woke up hours later, realizing that it was almost noon which meant that I’d have to leave soon. The apartment was silent and when I quietly left my room, I realized that Dallon was still sleeping on the sofa, even still in the same position as yesterday. And that kind of made me smile.  
I decided to go to the kitchen to quickly prepare something to eat which would be some toast and then felt Dallon’s gaze piercing through my back. He was still wearing the same outfit as he had when I had found him, obviously, and in my opinion he had never looked better than he was in this moment with sleepy eyes, messed up hair and crumpled clothes.   
“Good morning, sweetheart.” I greeted him, smiling while trying not to look at him too intensely. Dallon seemed relaxed but then suddenly tensed up, a stressed expression on his face. “What time is it?” He asked and I looked at the clock he couldn’t see from the position he was sitting at. “12:10. Why?” “You mean at daytime?” “Yes, obviously.” I looked out of the window, seeing the sun shine brightly. “Fuck, I got to go to work. I’ve already missed hours.” Dallon exclaimed, wanting to leave but I held him back.  
“Dallon, it’s Saturday. Please don’t become such a workaholic that you start working at the weekend. Instead, sit down and eat.” I ordered and eventually he did as I said. We didn’t have much at the apartment, – only the classics: butter, cheese and peanut butter – certainly needed to go food shopping but neither of us had had either the time or the motivation to do so.  
“Fuck. I’m so fucked.” Dallon eventually sighed, sliding his hand over his forehead, briefly closing his eyes. “Eating breakfast at 12pm should become a thing again.” “Well, it’s my life.” Dallon looked at me, deeply, and I almost forgot slugging down food was a thing people needed to do. “It has been mine for a long time, you know that.”   
I nodded and then finally asked him a question I had wanted to ask him for months. "Do you like your new job? Why did you switch anyways?” Maybe Dallon also forgot how eating was working, but the food was certainly forgotten at that point.  
“I quite like it.” He eventually said, nothing more. “Well, I feel like you don’t.” The older guy sighed, eventually saying something that I never would’ve expected him to say. “It’s certainly more normal, you know?” I almost started laughing because I thought that that certainly was a joke but then I realized that Dallon was being serious. “Who wants to be normal, Dal? Not anymore.”  
He looked at me, or rather he was looking through me when he responded: “Maybe I do.” and that was when I didn’t say anything anymore.   
An hour later I arrived at the apartment Z and Lizzy now lived in, approximately thirty minutes too late, but there were still people missing. I spotted Linda and Jude, Nicole and Amelia and other people I didn’t know but didn’t find Pete and Bronx. As far as I saw it, I was the only male person but that didn’t surprise me considering that this was a birthday party for a six year old.   
“Daddy!” Lizzy screamed when she eventually saw me, escaping the group of children surrounding her and running towards me to hug me. I went into a kneeling position to put my arms around her and was shocked again by how tall my daughter already was. Z was averaged-sized but Roger had been pretty tall himself so that was one of the few things Lizzy had gotten from him. Fortunately there weren’t many though.  
“Did you already unpack your presents?” I asked curiously and when Lizzy nodded, I smiled. “Well, here’s another one, I really hope that you’ll like it.” I gave her the average-sized package I had hidden behind my back, seeing her eyes glow up. It didn’t need much for children to be happy. Just seeing a present made them feel like they had everything they wanted.  
I had never really had that though. I could barely remember my mother – just fragments of a woman making me pancakes that were most likely already mixed up with Dallon – but after she had killed herself, I had never gotten a present. Then it had been a present to be left alone.  
“Thank you so much, dad. I love it.” Lizzy eventually said, bringing me back to the reality which was the year 1955. She held the package with Lego blocks in her hand and I realized that the year before I had given her a guitar. The year before everything had been different.   
“Do you already have Lego blocks? I don’t think so, right?” I asked and when she shook her head, I sighed. “No, but I’ve played with them before. We have them in the kindergarten.” I nodded, wanting to say something else but then Linda interrupted us, asking what we were doing and we got back to the others.  
I felt slightly awkward, being the only male person and not really knowing anyone but Z, Linda and Nicole with their children. I tried to ignore the other women looking at me curiously because I wasn’t here for them. I was here for my daughter because I’d never stop being there.  
Eventually Z stood up to go to the kitchen and I followed her, inspecting her closely. Over the course of the last months of us not living together anymore I had witnessed that her behavior as well as her mood had definitely improved which was also visible on the outside because Z looked so much more healthy and happier.  
Sometimes I blamed myself that we had remained married for so long but then I realized that I probably wouldn’t have done it any different now. People needed to experience certain things and us being married had been one of them. And we hadn’t even had a horrible marriage. No, we had always gotten along with each other well but then Z had fallen in love with me and everything had changed.   
“How is working at the nightclub again?” She eventually asked, fetching a cake out of the refrigerator, starting to cut it into convenient pieces. Of course it was Lizzy’s – and also my – favorite: Brownies. Neither of us had ever been really good at cooking or baking but if there was one thing Z could do really well, it was brownies. I didn’t even know how she managed to do that but the consistency was just perfect every time.  
“It’s fine. I’m actually getting along with Pete pretty well. We talk about stuff and… yeah, I like being there again.” I answered honestly. “And how is still working at the reception?” It was a stupid question, I knew that, but somehow I was the king of asking stupid questions.   
“It’s also fine. Sarah’s being there a lot more recently. I feel like she maybe kind of feels like she needs to be which is completely stupid. But well, she’s nice, you know?” I nodded because of course I knew her. And I knew that Sarah was a nice person, I wouldn’t deny that just because she was together with Brendon and I wasn't. I wasn’t that immature anymore.   
“So, is everything good between you and Brendon?” Z added skeptically and I nodded again. “Yes, everything is good. I swear! Everyone is doubting that but I can assure you that we’re getting along. Sure, I wouldn’t want to see him every day but if I do see him we can talk like normal people. Actually, I’ve just seen him a few days ago and he has told us that he and Sarah will adopt a baby. Can you believe that?”   
I laughed at Z’s shocked expression wondering over what part she was actually shocked. The fact that they wanted to adopt hadn’t surprised me at all. Internally I had just waited for the day that Brendon would announce it.  
“Isn’t it weird, picturing Brendon with a baby?” Z simply asked and now that she had asked that I did actually picture it. Brendon with his suit, his poker face and that childish arsehole behavior holding a baby in his arms and being all soft with it, even when it puked on his clothes. I shook my head. “I don’t think it’s weird. Okay, maybe just a little bit.” I started laughing and Z did too until we both couldn’t stop anymore.  
At some point someone interrupted us, asking “What’s so funny here?” and I immediately recognized that voice. Talk of the devil, and his imp appears. That’s what people said and now that Sarah Urie was standing in front of us, that saying was overly fitting.  
“Nothing, really. We were just talking about that Brendon and you wanted to adopt a baby and…” I started but got interrupted by Sarah. “And you think that’s funny? You were laughing about that?” She asked indignantly. “No, we weren’t. I think it’s great, I really do, I’ve told Brendon the same and…” I started again but now her laughter interrupted me.  
“Damnit, Ryan, you should’ve seen your face. Don’t take everything too seriously, I’m just kidding.” She giggled and Z looked as lost as I felt. Moments later her face turned serious again. “But honestly, you’re fine with that?” “Yes, I am. I actually think it’s a great idea. Why shouldn’t I?”  
We all knew why but nobody said anything anymore. And I honestly was beyond the point where I would’ve blamed either Brendon or Sarah for how things were now.   
“Should we eat now? I’m excited for your brownies, Z.” I switched the topic and the latter was actually too. “It’s just food, Ryan.” Z said, laughing when I vehemently shook my head. “Those brownies are not just food. When you eat them you get seven minutes in heaven.” Now both Z and Sarah laughed and I thought that we were all dealing with the situation as it was pretty good.  
When some of us had already finished eating, others eating a second or even a third piece, the doorbell rang again and seconds later Pete and Bronx were standing in the door of the living room. Judging from Z’s expression I realized that I’ve forgotten to tell her that I had invited them which was why I got up, placing my plate with a half-finished brownie on the table in front of me.  
“I’ve invited them. Sorry I’ve forgotten to tell you, Z.” I explained and she shrugged. “It’s fine, it’s fine. It’s just unexpected to see you two, that’s all.” She replied and when she looked at me it was clearly visible that she had underestimated the relationship Pete and I had rebuilt.   
“Well, now that you’re here, why don’t you join us? Do you maybe want some brownies? Everybody says that they’re really good. Bronx, would you like to join the other children?” Z started talking perpetually and Bronx didn’t look as if he’d like to do that, Maybe he had reached that age where spending time with younger children wasn’t as desirable anymore. I had never had that anyways.  
“You could also sit down next to me, if you prefer that.” I offered and Bronx looked relieved which I thought was weird considering that I wasn’t the greatest confidant of him.   
Some of the mothers I didn’t know where looking at Pete, even Nicole whom I had already realized was pretty flirty, but he seemed to ignore that. “Wow, look at your daughter. Six years old already and I still remember her making her first steps. Feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?” I nodded because Pete was so right. It had already been more than six years ago that we had run away from Utah and built a home here and every time I thought about that, it was frightening.  
“So, are you completely recovered already? We were pretty worried about you.” I then asked Bronx who had sat down next to me. “Yes, I’m good. Meagan has taken good care of me.” The boy responded as if she was his mother. I laughed. “What about your dad?” “Yes, he has helped too.” Pete looked knitted, shaking his head, but then started laughing too.  
“Where is she actually? I mean Meagan? She could’ve come too.” I eventually asked, seeing that father and son were quickly exchanging a look. Then Pete looked at me, quite abashed. “I didn’t think about asking her since I thought that you’ve only invited the two of us.” It was so unusual for the confident Pete Wentz to act like that, quite different to how Brendon had acted when he had told us about the adoption.  
“I thought it was self-explanatory that she could’ve come too. I mean since you two are dating…” I didn’t get to finish my sentence because Pete now looked outraged, grabbing my wrist. “We’re not dating.” He sighed. “I mean, nothing is official yet and – fuck – Bronx didn’t know anything and now he’s sitting right here, hearing everything. That’s great, Ryan, thank you.”   
When Pete had finished, everyone in the room was looking at him – children confused and parents like they were about to laugh. “Calm down, dad. I’d love to have Meagan as a stepmother.” Bronx then said, unstiffening the situation. “Bronx! Don’t ever say that to her!” Pete exclaimed and I laughed again. So maybe being around all the people I had not wanted to be around hadn’t actually been the worst idea.  
Hours later everybody was gone, only Pete and Bronx were still there and I obviously, helping Z to clean up the mess seven children made. In the end Bronx had actually started to play with the younger ones and now he, Pete and Lizzy were sitting on the sofa watching some show on the TV. It was one of those moments where Pete was acting like a child himself but I certainly granted him that knowing that usually he wasn’t able to do that.  
Z and I were cleaning up the dirty dishes and for a really quick moment it felt like we were in our house again, Lizzy being in the living room, we still being married. But I actually knew that it wasn’t like that anymore and it would never be. And that was much better for everyone.  
“So, how’s Dallon doing? He could’ve come too.” Z eventually started talking after neither of us hadn’t said anything for a while. I shrugged. “I think he’s too busy at the moment. And what would he have been supposed to do here?” “Oh, he’s great with children. I know that, you know that. And it certainly would’ve been a distraction.” Yes, I certainly knew that. It was a shame that Dallon didn’t have children and would never have them because every time I saw him with Lizzy my heart melted.  
“A distraction from what?” I finally asked, looking at my ex-wife who pretended to be concentrated at cleaning a plate. “I don’t know. You tell me.” Z claimed and I didn’t understand anything anymore. Sure, Dallon’s life was pretty stressful at the moment but I myself wouldn’t claim to have an easy life myself. A distraction obviously was needed from time to time but I still didn’t understand why Z was talking so cryptic.  
“What is this about, Z? Why are we talking about Dallon again?” I asked because over the course of the last few weeks this seemed to be my ex-wife’s favorite topic. Every time we had met she had sooner or later brought my flat-mate up, wanting to know things about him or wanting to know how he was doing. And every time our conversation had escalated.  
“Are you in love with Dallon Weekes?” I eventually whispered because that was the only logical explanation I had for her almost obsessive behavior. “You are, aren’t you?” There were seconds of silence until Z started laughing. She simply started laughing like she was mad which was actually a pretty disrespectful thing to think considering her situation but it was like that.  
“I? In love with Dallon? Damnit, Ryan, are you that stupid? I am not the one who’s in love with anyone here.” I got even more confused, feeling all kinds of emotions when I finally managed to ask: “What?” “Oh Ryan, sweetheart, look at you being all jealous.” Z added and now there was a sad tone in her voice.  
“I am not jealous. Why and at whom should I be jealous?” Z laughed again and I was so close to freaking out, it wasn’t even funny anymore. “Damn, Ryan, I think that you’re in love with Dallon and I’m pretty sure that he’s in love with you too.”   
She continued talking about how it was so obvious, had already been for weeks, maybe even months, but I didn’t listen anymore. Instead I started laughing because that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. Well, maybe not the most ridiculous but certainly pretty high on that list.


	4. It's all too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,  
> so, I maybe misestimated the time I'd need to write this story. I could've already been done with it but right now I'm not in the right place to write it which is why I haven't written in weeks. I'm already anxious if I'm going to be able to keep up this schedule - maybe I won't, I'm sorry.  
> Anyways, enjoy this! At least it's not a cliffhanger so if there won't be a chapter next week, I at least wanted to upload this.   
> But please remember that I WILL finish this story sooner or later!  
> Yours, Gwen.

The following night I was laying in my bed, unable to sleep because my thoughts were keeping me awake. It was 3am which was certainly the best time to be sleep-deprived, having insomnia because life was so fucking complicated.  
I had never had an easy life. Actually it had been the complete opposite. And somehow it had all started with my mother’s suicide – or maybe I just couldn’t remember what had been before. Then the terror had started with the man I didn’t even call my father and when I had run away I had thought it would be better but it hadn’t.   
I had thought that maybe there was something on me that was attracting the worst people on this planet. I had reached a point where I – a person who was usually completely against violence – had wanted to hunt Roger down and kill him but then Z had detained me from doing so – fortunately because if she hadn’t I most likely would’ve ended up in prison.  
When we had started our new life in Las Vegas it surely hadn’t been easy but it had been the best time of my life. I had been truly independent for the first time, I had had a wife and a daughter and was living in an incredibly city. Surely what everyone wanted in life and it had worked out. It had all worked out until it hadn’t anymore.  
Then I had met Brendon who had changed my whole life and even though it had been a truly positive thing, still there had been so many problems and it had been too much again. Too much of everything – whether positive or negative – was just not good.   
Eventually things hadn’t worked out with Brendon – of course they hadn’t – and I had needed time to process that, had signed the divorce papers, had moved in with Dallon and had tried to continue living. Because that was just what I had been doing my entire life: Surviving, living, and doing my best.  
It hadn’t supposed to be like that anymore. Things like love or sex shouldn’t take up such a big space in my brain considering everything I had gone through but somehow they did and now I was being insomniac, thinking about Dallon in a way that one man wasn’t supposed to think about another.   
The thing was, I had never thought about having more than just amicable feelings for Dallon because it simply never had been something that would cross my mind. Sure, we had kissed a couple of times and it had been really great but after all we both had been trying to get over Brendon – Dallon certainly for much longer than I myself.  
Even when I had moved in with him I had never considered that something would happen between us or rather that I’d want something to. But now that I couldn’t stop my thoughts from going to places I didn’t think about in forever, I couldn’t help but do. Yes, maybe I wanted to kiss Dallon not just for fun, maybe I wanted to touch his bare skin and maybe I even wanted to fuck him, to know how he felt under those layers of clothes. But did that immediately mean that I was in love with him?  
When it was close to 5am – maybe dawn would start soon – I decided that I certainly wouldn’t get any sleep that night which was why I got up to do something – anything. Dallon was still asleep but I didn’t expect anything else. Every normal person would be asleep at 5am on a Sunday.   
I chose to leave the house to go on a walk because I couldn’t just sit around doing something else. Because Las Vegas was a steadily growing city with even more visitors than people who actually lived in it, there was always action on the streets. Most people went home from a party night while unfortunate ones who had to work on the weekend went there. And I was in the middle of all of that, not knowing what I was supposed to do.   
Because there was nothing else to do for me I went into a bakery and bought some buns which I maybe or maybe not would eat for breakfast. I knew that after yesterday’s conversation with Z nothing would ever be the same with Dallon. I wondered how I was supposed to just casually sit at the table with him pretending like there was nothing going on.   
Z had said that she thought Dallon was in love with me but I had no idea what I should believe. I had never been great with romantic stuff, at realizing something like that but Z had always been pretty good at noticing when someone was in love with one. Just, she couldn’t be right this time, couldn’t she?  
I shook my head, going back to the apartment and seeing that the sun was about to rise which was such a beautiful thing to witness – even in the city with all the people around one. Sometimes I couldn’t believe that this was my life now. Living in this city, together with another guy who was confusing me like hell and having such great people around me.  
When I opened the apartment door, I immediately recognized that Dallon was awake too. Even though it was barely 6am he was standing in the kitchen, of course making breakfast which I never wanted him to do but he still did. It was one of those rare moments where he wasn’t wearing a shirt and even less trousers – just his boxers which was why I was able to inspect him.  
First Dallon didn’t see me because he was standing with his back towards me, concentrated on whatever he was preparing, but when he eventually did, I inhaled sharply, not knowing how to read his expression like so often.  
Dallon looked good. He looked perfect actually. He wasn’t overly muscular, didn’t have a six-pack or something but that was what I liked so much. Just, he himself never saw that. Generally, people always wanted to look perfectly immaculate but didn’t realize that imperfection was really what made something perfect. Because it was real, because it was life.  
“I brought some buns?” I eventually said but it rather sounded like a question. I wanted to say something else but before I could do so, he was kissing me. And it was just the perfect timing after what Z had told me less than twenty-four hours ago that he was kissing me and not the other way around. Usually I had been the one to initiate a kiss but now Dallon had started it and I thought, that had to mean something, hadn’t it?  
I wanted to deepen the kiss, wanted to completely surrender myself to that feeling, but then I heard something sizzling in the background, needing seconds to realize that it was the food Dallon had been preparing. “The food… I mean, the stove… We should probably…” I began, not really knowing what to say after that kiss.   
Dallon shook his head, remaining completely serious while saying: “Fuck that.”, quickly turning off the plate and moving the pan aside. And then he was kissing me again, even harder this time until we were devouring each other, not needing any food anymore.  
Suddenly I knew that this was different. This was different than anything else we had done or experienced and I had no idea what it was, what would be or what Z’s words meant but then I just stopped thinking because that was overrated too. Yes, food and thinking were both such overrated things.  
Eventually, Dallon pushed me into what turned out to be his room because it was closest to the kitchen and while one of his hands remained in my hair, the other one slowly – way too fucking slowly – went down to undo my pants. When Dallon slid them down, I didn’t complain. Of course I didn’t.  
It wasn’t even weird, no, we had long ago crossed that line, so I finally started to undress him too until eventually, we were standing naked in front of each other. And then I couldn’t stop looking at him, at his perfectly shaped body, even his cock did look breathtaking.  
Two years ago I would’ve freaked out in such a situation but now I was smiling, eventually kneeling down to devour Dallon on a completely different level. The taller guy realized what I wanted to do, a raspy “Ryan.” escaping his mouth – which I swore, my name had never sounded sexier – and then I took his cock in my mouth to which he responded with a deep groan.  
I needed some time to get used to the sensation of sucking cock again because I hadn’t done it in such a long time. But then I had the knack of it again and started to suck him like my life depended on it. Both of his hands were now grabbing my hair and I was taking in more and more until I eventually had the whole length of his cock in my mouth – and he didn’t have a small one.  
My right hand started playing with his balls to intensify the feeling and suddenly I knew that he was about to come. It had been so long for both of us since we’d had sex with another guy – I didn’t know exactly but guessed that it was probably even longer for Dallon than it was for me – so it wasn’t surprising that Dallon came so fast.  
When he did, groaning and fisting my hair until it hurt, I only managed to swallow part of his come, the rest spilled out of my mouth, making a mess Dallon laughed about. And then he leaned down from his sitting position to kiss me, not caring that I tasted like his sperm.   
I was so hard that it almost hurt and realized that Dallon too was aroused again so I stood up to get some lotion which was located in the bathroom cabinet – I knew exactly where. But when I got back, opening the tube, wanting to spread the substance on my fingers, the taller guy simply said “No.”   
I was confused for a second, thought that he didn’t want to have sex with me, but then he simply smiled, taking the tube, opening the clasp and instead started spreading the lotion on his fingers. I barely realized what he was doing when he turned my body around, making me kind of remain on all fours, and then suddenly, he inserted one finger in my hole and maybe I should’ve said something, maybe I should’ve told him that I had never done that before, that that was completely new for me, but instead I just kept my mouth shut and enjoyed the new sensation.  
It was extremely weird for a moment, having something in one’s body at that place but when Dallon added a second finger, starting to stretch me, it came to a point where it wasn’t as weird anymore. His fingers where agile and then, as Dallon added a third one, I finally understood why Brendon had always enjoyed getting fucked in the arse so much.   
Dallon reached that point that made me freak out in the best way and I couldn’t help but moan like that was the best sex I had ever had. And maybe it actually was already. My eyes closed automatically when I let myself fall, enjoying this moment way too much. And suddenly the fingers were gone and I felt empty, wanting to complain but seconds later something else – Dallon's cock – replaced them and that was a feeling beyond everything I had felt to that point.  
Neither of us said anything but there was no need to exchange words. I was just wondering why I hadn’t done this before. I could’ve. Dallon started moving slowly – way too fucking slowly – until I simply grabbed his hips, forcing him even closer to me, his cock even deeper inside me.  
And then he reached that point again, with every thrust, again and again and again, and I had to moan every time. I was pretty sure that I lasted for an embarrassingly short time because shortly after I felt myself being way too close to the climax.   
Somehow I felt Dallon smiling, gently touching my hair, saying: “It’s okay, sweetheart, you can come now.” And that was just too much for me. Him saying that, him smiling and the overstimulation like nothing I had ever felt before. I came, came like I had never had before, almost blacking out, helplessly grabbing the sheets I was marking with my semen, leaving traces there.  
Seconds later I felt Dallon come too, felt his semen spread inside of me as a deep moan escaped him, and that was just too much. It was too fucking much. I remained on the bed in the weirdest position, not being able to move, trying to comprehend what had just happened.   
When Dallon asked “You’ve never done that before, right? You’ve never switched roles?” I nodded truthfully because talking was beyond my capability. Dallon nodded too. “I’ve felt that.” He only said and then we were quiet again. There were so many unspoken words between us, so many questions and contingencies but that certainly wasn’t the right moment to talk about that.   
Dallon grabbed a pack of cigarettes, giving me one and lighted it. I changed my position to lay down on my back, head where one’s feet usually laid and feet near the pillow, while Dallon was laying in the bed like a normal person would. Inhaling the smoke, having cigarettes after sex, I thought that this wasn’t weird at all. Well, maybe just a little bit.


	5. The night before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,  
> I didn't actually plan to continue uploading because I'm currently taking a break from this story - I'm just not in the right mindset to continue writing it, but I definitely will one day - though I figured that I could just upload everything I have. We're all stuck in this fucked up situation and a bit cheesiness certainly doesn't harm anyone, right?  
> Anyways, I hope you're all doing fine. Stay safe!

I woke up hours later, Dallon steadily breathing next to me, needing a few seconds to realize what had happened hours before. It was just after 1pm which meant that we had fallen asleep and I had finally gotten a few hours of sleep. It was almost scary how I hadn’t been able to sleep the whole night but had fallen asleep so quickly next to Dallon.  
I was still naked and a quick glance under the blanket assured me that Dallon was too. Of course he was. The sun was shining brightly, lightening the room and erasing the security of the dawn. Now both of us being naked meant something else and I didn’t know if I was ready for that. I didn’t know if I was ready to face Dallon when he would wake up, both of us lying next to each other.  
I shook my head even though nobody would see it and then got up, quickly grabbing my clothes that were spread all over the room, eventually leaving it – leaving Dallon. It wasn’t that I regretted anything or was ashamed, no that wasn’t it, but I simply didn’t know how to act towards him now. I had no fucking idea and needed to sort my thoughts.  
Trying not to overthink everything, I got dressed, grabbed my keys and eventually left the apartment quietly. One part of me felt bad for doing that but the bigger one didn’t because I knew that I’d eventually come back when we had both thought about what had happened. And I was already afraid of that conversation.  
I took the car, feeling like it was just in the early morning hours even though it was in the middle of the day which was definitely noticeable on the streets because they were more crowded.   
Fortunately it was one of those weeks for me where I had two days off work which wasn’t always like that. Usually, in those weeks I was free on Sundays and Mondays but because of Lizzy’s birthday I had talked to Patrick and he had allowed me to take Saturday and Sunday off. And now I was driving through the city on a day where most people didn’t work.   
Eventually I arrived at Spencer’s and Linda’s house, marginally realizing that there was another car standing in front of it but still actuating the doorbell. It was Linda who opened the door seconds later, looking surprised, but eventually smiling. “I didn’t know that you wanted to come too but, well, come in.” She greeted me and I immediately got the feeling that I was interrupting something I hadn’t known about.  
Still, I entered their house and when I got to the kitchen, I realized what she had meant. Next to Spencer and Jude, Sarah and Brendon were also there, all of them eating together while I had completely forgotten that it was lunchtime.   
Spencer looked puzzled for a moment but then greeted me too. “Hey Ryan. It’s nice to see you. I heard the birthday party yesterday was a success?” I nodded, looking at Brendon who glanced back at me confused. His hand was resting on Sarah’s shoulder and I finally nodded, maybe as a greeting, maybe to signalize that everything was okay.  
“Do you want to eat something? There’s enough for everyone?” Linda offered and I shrugged. “I really don’t want to interrupt anything here. I didn’t even know that you had guest so I can come back later if you prefer that.” I apologized and Brendon started laughing. “Guests. Ryan, you’re talking as if Sarah and I are complete strangers to you but it’s just us. You’re welcome to stay and eat with us if you want.”  
I looked at Brendon first, seeing that he was being genuine, than at Sarah who looked at me skeptically, Linda’s expression was indifferent and finally I looked at my best friend who was careful and maybe confused. “Okay, I guess I’ll stay then.” I eventually said, realizing how hungry I actually was because I hadn’t eaten anything in way too long. Linda smiled, handing me a plate and then we continued eating in silence.  
It wasn’t an awkward silence though, it was just that I didn’t know what to say because I had come here for a completely different reason, not having expected to meet Brendon today.   
“So, when will you two be able to adopt?” I eventually asked because Brendon and Sarah’s future baby was the only topic I could think about that wouldn’t be unpleasant for anyone. Sarah smiled – one of those smiles only a mother or soon-to-be mother could wear when she was thinking about her child – and then grabbed Brendon’s hand, maybe as a provocation but I didn’t care about that anymore.  
“We’ve signed some papers a few weeks ago but it’ll probably take another few months until we’ll be able to actually adopt a baby. It’s such a long and annoying process but we’ll certainly do it.” She looked at Brendon lovingly and I saw all the love in that look that I’d had for him too. But maybe after all, he was meant to have a family and to be normal, at least what people defined to be normal.   
I hated that word so much. Some arsehole had decided that a man and a woman being together was normal and two men together wasn’t and now everyone was living by that standard and people like Dallon and me needed to lie.  
Brendon had certainly made the more rational decision. Even though I was over him I sometimes still thought that he had probably loved Sarah a bit more than he had loved me. That was completely understandable considering their history so I certainly didn’t blame him for that. I knew that he’d be a great dad, just as Dallon would’ve been and I would always be sad that the latter wouldn’t have the opportunity to be one.  
But after all, life was about making decisions. Brendon had chosen one way and Brendon the other. And I was in the middle of all of that – having a daughter but not having a wife anymore.  
“Okay, we got to go now. The business doesn’t run itself, right?” Brendon eventually said and I nodded even though I had no idea about business things. Sarah playfully hit him on the head. “It’s Sunday, B, you got to learn to relax more. Or how do you want to manage having a child soon?” He laughed, nodding and it was clearly visible that they were in their own bubble.   
I wondered how it was possible that after all they were still so in love with each other. After Brendon had told Sarah that he and I had fucked, after all the lies and the cheating. Spencer had once told me that Sarah didn’t know that Brendon and I had been in love with each other and maybe that was the crucial point. Maybe she didn’t know how serious it had been between us, thinking that it had only been a fuck. I certainly didn’t plan to tell her the truth.  
Also Brendon had told me that Sarah had cheated on him herself, years ago, so maybe it was just something that happened for them but they always found back to each other which was the important thing.   
“It was nice seeing you again, Ryan.” Brendon finally said, ineffectually smiling and I wondered if he really meant it. I nodded, replying something similar, wondering if I really meant it myself. Sarah also dismissed me and then the couple was gone.  
Linda turned towards Jude, saying “Let’s go play something in the garden, shouldn’t we? The weather is so nice.” and of course the boy immediately agreed. I wondered if she felt that I needed to talk to Spencer alone but when she turned around while leaving the kitchen, looking at me assuring, I felt that she probably did.  
And then Spencer and I were left alone which I had wanted but nevertheless was now frightened of. He was still wearing that careful expression and I felt like I was being interrogated. “You smell like sex.” He eventually said, only that, and while doing that he was completely serious. I started laughing half-heartedly but quickly realized that that was completely unnecessary.  
I hadn’t even thought about changing my clothes. “Is that so obvious? I sighed and then said what I had been frightened to talk about but needed to actually. "Well, Dallon and I have had sex.” I admitted, expecting Spencer to laugh, expecting the house to break down, expecting the world to stop moving, but nothing like that happened.   
Instead Spencer’s expression remained the same. “As if that wasn’t already conceivable.” He said, well, as if that was the most logical thing to have happened. “You’re not surprised.” I eventually said which was so obvious but I didn’t know what else to say. Finally, a quick smile appeared on his face. “No, not at all actually.”   
I sighed again and then we both started laughing. Spencer didn’t ask me if I was in love with Dallon, he didn’t ask me if I wanted the sex to happen again and he didn’t ask me about how the future would look like. And it was perfect like that. Because I had just needed to tell him that and Spencer’s reaction only proved that he was one of the best friends one could have.  
I didn’t take it for granted that I had such accepting people around me. Z could’ve forbidden me to see Lizzy considering everything I’ve put her through. Sarah could’ve hated me for having had sex with her husband. And Spencer could’ve declared me sick for having sex with the same gender. But nothing of that had happened. And I had to admit that after all, my life wasn’t that bad.  
Later that day, when I got back home – home which was now Dallon’s apartment – it was silent. I figured that Dallon was in his room because I heard music coming from there but he didn’t come out which I really appreciated. Maybe he wasn’t ready to face me himself. I certainly wasn’t yet. And the fact that we were living together which would eventually force us to face each other certainly didn’t make things easier.   
Perhaps we were acting like immature teenagers who didn’t want to face reality but I thought that we were allowed to do that for once. We certainly were. I got to my room, grabbed my current read and tried to concentrate on the book but it simply wasn’t possible. The only thing or rather the only person I could think about was the sex with Dallon.  
I couldn’t believe that it was barely twelve hours since it had happened. It felt like a dream. Yes, it certainly did and maybe I was still waiting to wake up.  
Brendon had made me feel like I wouldn’t want to be sexually or even romantically involved with another person for a long time but Dallon had just been there. Dallon with his positive attitude, helpful behavior and of course also his good looks. Dallon whom I had always seen as naturally and maybe that had been the mistake. Maybe I shouldn’t have.  
Eventually I threw away the book, stopping to try to read anything that day. The sun had already gone down, leaving the darkness play its games where people would start to be more open and confident. And because everything felt so comfortable, at some point I fell asleep, catching up on the sleep I hadn’t gotten in days.  
When I woke up what could’ve been just a few hours or half a day later, I immediately felt that I had a fever. It was just something I knew. My throat was sore and my knuckles hurt as if I had run for hours the day before. Usually I felt an upcoming sickness but this time it had come completely out of nowhere. Or maybe I had just been too busy with other things to really listen to my body.  
When I stood up to go to the kitchen, a sudden pain crossed my head and I felt like someone had decided that it’d be a good idea to take a sledge and throw it against my head again and again.  
The apartment was silent as I put on the kettle to make myself a tea. “You can make me one too.” Dallon eventually said and I realized that he was awake too, standing in the doorframe, had been for I didn’t know how long. “Why aren’t you sleeping?” I asked even though that was actually such a stupid question. “I could ask you the same.” He sighed. “I’ve had such a shitty night and then I woke up hearing you move around in the kitchen figuring that I could just get up too.”   
“You’re sick too, aren’t you?” I finally asked, realizing that the taller guy didn’t look good at all. He nodded tiredly. “Yes, I’m having a fever and don’t ask me what else.” I nodded. “Seems like we’ve infected each other. Well, no wonder considering…” No, I certainly wouldn’t start talking about the sex we’ve had now that we were both sick.  
Dallon sighed again. “Well, that’s most likely my fault. A guy in my office has been sick and then he hasn’t even been there on Friday and I must’ve caught whatever he has from him and now you have it too. Isn’t that kind of ridiculous? First we fuck and then we’re both sick?” Dallon laughed half-heartedly and the way he had pronounced ‘fuck’ had sounded so wrong – as if it had just been a random fuck though I knew that it hadn’t. How could it between us?  
“That’s…” I didn’t know what to say. It was weird but the fact that we were sharing both of these things – the sex and the disease – was weirdly comforting. “I think our tea is ready by now.” I changed the topic and Dallon nodded. “So, I guess no work today?” Now he shook his head.  
I dared to look at him, realizing that even in his sick, exhausted state Dallon still looked good. He didn’t look as perfect as people in advertisements did, as people’s ideal was, but he looked perfect in his own way, even now.  
“Why are you looking at me like that?” He eventually ask, seeming to genuinely wonder and I thought it was sad that he didn’t know how good he actually looked. It was really sad that Dallon was so self-conscious. He was standing there with his arms wrapped around his own body, looking everywhere but at me which was why my hand almost on its own wandered to his chin, lifting his head up so he had to look me in the eyes.  
“You look beautiful, please always remember that.” I said, smiling, grabbing both our cups of tea and then going to the living room. Halfway there I turned around. “Well, since we’re both at home now and will be for at least today, why don’t we place our arses on the sofa and watch trashy movies and shows on the TV all day?”  
Dallon grinned, started laughing genuinely and I was melting. Or maybe that was just the fever. Maybe both. “Sounds like a plan.” He said and so that was just what we did.


	6. Eight days a week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Later that day William came by, delivering us soup which made me feel like I was a little boy though I had never gotten that when I was little. Z called to tell me that Lizzy was sick too, similar symptoms as Dallon and I had and I felt bad for having gone to the birthday party but I actually hadn’t felt any upcoming disease.  
Dallon was sleeping and something I didn’t pay attention to was still running on the TV while I gulped down more tea deluding myself as if that would be effective. I took the opportunity to muster him which I had already done after we had had sex but then it had been something different. Now certainly neither of us thought about something like that.  
His hair was greasy because of the fever he was sweating out but even in that state Dallon looked good. It wasn’t that I just said that, no, I really meant it. Because his eyes were closed he looked so fragile and innocent, it was almost ethereal. A blanket covered his body up to his chin but one arm carelessly laid over his head, wrapping it up.  
And it was in this moment – both of us being sick, looking exhausted, maybe being delirious – that I realized that I possibly was in love with Dallon Weekes. Maybe Z had been right, yes, maybe she always was, always had been, and maybe I had actually been in love with Dallon for months now, just not wanting to realize it, not wanting to realize that after Brendon it’d be possible for me to feel those things again.   
The realization kicked in like no drug would ever be able to. Yes, maybe I had thought about it before, maybe I had suspected that I didn’t just have amicable feelings towards Dallon, that there was more – had to be – but in that moment I knew for sure.   
And suddenly the same anxiety started all over again – the anxiety when one was in love, not knowing how the other person felt and how the future would look like. I didn’t want to fool anyone. I knew that life would never be easy, that I had already figured out, so I had no idea how things would evolve between Dallon and me.  
I was close to drifting into a deep sleep myself when I heard the doorbell, immediately being awake again. Fortunately Dallon didn’t wake up from the sound, probably because he was too deep asleep which was really good, so I got up taking a blanket with me, shivering because of the high temperature.   
It turned out to be Spencer who didn’t know that we were sick yet. When he saw me he grinned, quietly asking if we did it again which I just sighed to. “Come in.” I demanded because I didn’t want to talk about certain things on the stairs. “Do I honestly look like I’ve just had sex?” I then added, whispering, and when Spencer looked at me again he shook his head.  
“I’m sick. And Dallon is too. So you should rather stay away from us.” I laughed, provoking a sudden cough attack. “I see, I see.” Spencer only said which could mean everything. “Oh, and Lizzy is sick too. We most likely got it from Dallon’s colleague, then he has infected me and I Lizzy. I’ve certainly hugged her too much.” I laughed again.  
“Why did you come here actually? Isn’t it Monday so don’t you need to be at school?” “Did you look at the clock once? It’s almost 6pm, Ry, school has long ago finished.” For the first time in hours I really looked at the clock realizing that Spencer was right. How did almost twelve hours flew by so fast? It wasn’t even that Dallon and I had done anything really. We had just laid on the sofa, being sick and watching shit. I couldn’t even name what we did watch anymore.  
“Oh.” I simply said and Spencer laughed. “Yes, ‘Oh.’” His expression turned more serious eventually. “Listen, it looks like you don’t want me here which is fine considering everything but before I’m being too annoying I’d rather just go.”   
“No, no, Spence, everything’s fine. It’s just, we’re sick and I don’t want you to get infected too.” I claimed but knew that it was only half of the truth. I wasn’t lying to Spencer and I wasn’t having secrets I kept from him but I just didn’t want to talk about anything related to Dallon. I could’ve, I could’ve told my best friend that I was in love with my roommate which overwhelmed me, I could’ve told him that I was so afraid of the future and I also could’ve told him that I felt guilty for being in love. I could’ve but didn’t tell him any of that.  
Because I wasn’t ready yet, because the right time would come, because I was sick and Spencer wasn’t and because I maybe needed an excuse. Instead Spencer shrugged. “Well, then I wish both of you a speedy recovery. And yeah…” It looked like he wanted to say something else but instead he just dismissed me with a “Bye.” When I replied, Spencer was already gone.  
As I got back to the living room, I realized that Dallon was awake – still laying in the same position but his eyes being open. “Who was that?” He asked and I wondered if he had heard anything of our conversation or if he really didn’t know. “Just Spencer.” I replied wondering why I had added the ‘just’. It wasn’t just Spencer, it never was just someone.  
Dallon nodded. “What did he want?” I started to wonder myself. What did Spencer actually want? We hadn’t even gotten to the point to talk about that. “I’ve no idea actually.” I laughed. “I told him that we were sick and that he should rather stay away so he wouldn’t get sick too.” Dallon looked at me skeptically, asking “Just that?” and I nodded even though that wasn’t true.   
Even though Spencer was my best friend I felt bad for having told him that Dallon and I had had sex. If it would’ve been a random person that wouldn’t have been a big deal but it had been Dallon who was friends with Spencer too, who was always there and with whom I was most certainly in love with.   
How was it possible that I hadn’t fallen in love once in more than twenty years but then I had met Brendon and Dallon and they had changed everything? And wasn’t it kind of ironic that I had fallen for Brendon first and now for Dallon who maybe was still in love with Brendon himself? What even was my life?  
Dallon coughed, reminding me of the fact that we were both sick which was weird too. Sure, we had fucked and we generally had spent time together so it wasn’t weird that we both got sick eventually but what was weird was that it had happened on the same day, and so suddenly.   
Eventually we decided to eat something even though neither of us was really hungry and when Dallon started saying “Listen…” I knew that something serious would follow – something I didn’t want to hear. Not yet, not now. I stopped him and then we generally just stopped talking, watching TV until I got so tired that I didn’t even make it to my bed anymore.  
A few days later we were both mostly recovered, our disease process generally having been the same but I was certified sick until the next week would start. Even though we both hadn’t felt great, it had still been more of a vacation than a displeasure to be at home. Sure, a vacation where we had barely talked and one without a fancy hotel, room service or a beach but it certainly could’ve been worse.  
I was exhausted because I hadn’t seen Lizzy in a week and already felt like she had forgotten me even though I knew that that wasn’t actually true. Z had told me that she had only had a higher temperature for one day and had already gone to school today but I still felt bad for having infected her.  
Dallon was sitting at the kitchen table when I came back from a little shopping trip, for the first time in days having left the house because we had barely had any food left at home. My appetite still wasn’t as it normally would be but that was normal, I guessed.   
Dallon was reading one of the magazines William had brought us – something I hadn’t even looked at twice but Dallon of course had, always wanting to please everyone and probably going to talk about the content the next time Will and he met.   
“You hungry?” I asked and he shrugged. I started unpacking the things I had bought, realizing that I had completely lost the sense of time. Just one week of staying at home could completely destroy ones rhythm. Because of work I usually went to sleep in the early morning hours and slept until noon but now I actually slept hours like a normal person. And it’d be so hard to get back to the usual in two days.   
Maybe I didn’t even want that. Maybe I wanted Dallon and me to be sick forever so we could lazily sit on the sofa and spend time together even though we barely talked. Yes, that sounded good.   
I eventually started to make something to eat, not really caring about what it was but knowing that I – we – needed to eat something. The whole time I felt Dallon’s piercing gaze in my back but tried to ignore it.   
When we ate he continued looking at me and I immediately knew what would follow – something I still wasn’t ready for. “We’ve had sex, Dallon. Get over it, okay?” I started, pronouncing the words unusually calm even though I was seething on the inside. Dallon turned pale – so pale that I was afraid he would collapse – but then got a hold of himself again.   
“Yes, right, I mean… Yes I know that.” He stuttered and I realized that there were few opportunities where I had seen him as nervous and confused. Maybe I had said the wrong thing – yes, I most likely had because that was what I always did – but I had always been so bad at such things.   
I thought about the Dallon who had fucked me, who had been so confident doing something to me nobody had ever done before. And I had enjoyed it way too much.  
“Damn, Dallon, I’m so bad with such things. I mean look at Z and me, Brendon and me, look at…” I started but that was when Dallon interrupted me harshly. “I don’t want to hear anything about fucking Brendon anymore. It’s always him. Damn, Ryan, you’re talking about so much that I want to punch him as well as you. You make me hate him.”  
Apparently it was a day where I got to know all of Dallon’s sides because there also had been few times where I had seen him as outraged as he was now. But then I realized that I was right. Somehow I was always talking about Brendon, comparing him and Dallon and I really needed to stop doing that. Brendon was history.  
“I’m sorry, Dal. I can imagine how annoying it must be for you when I constantly talk about Brendon considering that you’re in love with him and…” He interrupted me again and I considered telling him that that was something one didn’t do but then I didn’t even think about that anymore.   
“Holy hell, Ryan.” He laughed. “How stupid can one be? I’m not in love with Brendon – at least not anymore. I was a long time ago but how long do you expect me mourn a person I won’t ever be with?” He sighed and when he started talking again I knew what he was about to say. I simply knew it.  
“I’m not in love with him anymore but… I’m in love with you, okay? And do you know how fucking annoying it is when the person you’ve fallen for is constantly talking about someone else? Remember the day I’ve told you that I was still in love with Brendon, that you and I were practically sitting in the same boat? Well, that has also been a lie because I haven’t been in love with Brendon anymore, I’ve already been in love with you back then.”  
My body was searching for something to lean against, eventually collapsing on a chair. That couldn’t be true. That simply couldn’t be true. “But that’s – what? – nice months or something?” Dallon nodded and I wasn’t able to say anything else. He didn’t even look happy about what he had confessed to me.  
And I couldn’t realize that Z had been right again. I was in love with Dallon and Dallon was in love with me. Everything was supposed to be easy now, wasn’t it? I wanted to ask him so many things. I literally wanted to scream at him but I wasn’t able to do any of that. Instead I was just sitting there, turned into a pillar of salt, trying to comprehend any of this.  
“You know, maybe I really regret having let you live with me. Now that we’ve fucked – as you’ve said it – I’ll have to see you every day, knowing that it didn’t mean anything to you, that I was just a fuck. Damnit, how could I have thought that there was something special between us?” Dallon laughed again and I was screaming internally but when I finally managed to open my mouth, he was already gone, had left the apartment, and I didn’t follow him.  
How was I supposed to make him understand that I was in love with him too without making it seem like I was just saying it to comfort him? Oh, nothing in this world would ever be easy.


End file.
